My Girlfriend Says
by astheblackrosewilts
Summary: John gaped, “your girlfriend told you you couldn’t have sex with me?” “Anymore,” Rodney appeared to believe this was clarification enough, “My girlfriend told me I couldn’t have sex with you anymore.” Duet Spoilers, only for mention of Katie Brown, no rea


AN inspired by a real conversation! One of my friends informed one of his friends that he wasn't allowed to kiss him anymore because his girlfriend had told him he couldn't, this kinda stemmed from there.

Rating – PG13

Summary - John gaped, "your girlfriend told you you couldn't have sex with me?" "_Anymore_," Rodney appeared to believe this was clarification enough, "My girlfriend told me I couldn't have sex with you _anymore_." Duet Spoilers, only for mention of Katie Brown

Disclaimer – If it was me this is the way Rodney's relationship with the good Dr. Brown would have gone but it didn't, did it?

**My Girlfriend Says…**

John choked and tripped over a rock, hastily pulling himself into a sitting position he turned to stare incredulously and accusingly at Rodney.

"Excuse me!"

Rodney didn't even look up from the, undoubtedly fascinating, readings displayed on his scanner-scope and so the glare was wasted, much to John's chagrin.

"I said," Rodney's tone of voice was similar to the one John often heard him use on his most brain-dead minions, "I think we should have sex."

John wondered for a second if he'd fallen into a parallel dimension, after all that had happened to Doctor Jackson right? But no everything seemed perfectly normal and he didn't remember stepping through any mirrors lately so that meant the only conclusion he had left to draw was that Rodney had actually said what he thought he'd said.

"Why do you think we should have sex?"

Rodney actually graced him with an annoyed glare this time, not a very long one though because something on the scope beeped and he turned away frowning at the screen as he answered.

"Because Katie told me I couldn't."

John gaped, "your girlfriend told you you couldn't have sex with me?"

"_Anymore_," Rodney appeared to believe this was clarification enough, "My girlfriend told me I couldn't have sex with you _anymore_."

John arched an eyebrow, "I wasn't aware we were having sex in the first place," he offered cautiously. "Was there a memo I didn't get?"

Rodney shot him a disgusted look from behind an ancient pillar, "of course we're not having sex," John sighed, relieved, "but I think we should," ok, there went that nice feeling of momentary respite.

John let his head slam back against the pillar he was leaning against, unfortunately the action also caused his sunglasses to fall down his nose so he was forced to glare at Rodney over the top of them which, in his opinion, decreased the effect of menace and _increased_ the effect of Playboy-centrefold which wasn't exactly the image he was going for at the moment.

"Again, why?"

"Because she wants us to stop and we can't stop if we're not doing anything can we. There won't be any difference in the way we're acting now and the way we're acting later."

Wincing inwardly John has to admit that Rodney had a point but still… hang on "Why," he hissed through suddenly gritted teeth, "does she think we're having sex in the first place?"

Rodney waved his hand airily, "something to do with the sexual tension."

Ok, as much as he hated to agree that sorta made sense but, "If its tension doesn't that mean we haven't done anything about it?"

Rodney sounded slightly sour this time, "apparently not, that would be _unresolved_ sexual tension."

"You asked that too huh?"

"Of course I did."

"So…" Red warning lights are flashing in John's mind and he could hear the shouts of Danger! But he still had to ask. "What type of tension is it then?"

"Apparently the type that says when we're done with the briefing/experiment/training/mission I really, _really_ want to throw you against the nearest wall." John blinked and Rodney at least had the decency to blush this time, "her words not mine."

"Of course."

There was silence.

"So…" John started again, "was that the extent of your plan?"

Rodney hesitated, "yeah pretty much, we have sex, she stops nagging me, I get laid again and everyone lives happily ever after."

"You're such a romantic Rodney." Rodney glared.

There was silence for a few minutes before John heard a rustling and tried to stand up but Rodney must have been closer than he thought because they both fell and it's like the worst romantic cliché _ever_ because Rodney's on top of him, using one hand to keep his balance and to keep from crushing John completely and the other to hold the scanner-scope out of harm's way.

John gulped as Rodney waved the scanner like a white flag, "Readings," he swallowed, "the reading's are coming from here."

"Strong readings?"

"Pretty…" Rodney licked his lips, "pretty strong ones…"

John wet his suddenly dry lips with his even dryer tongue.

"Rodney…"

"Yes…?"

"She really thinks we're having sex."

Rodney nodded, "yes… Can't think why, there's nothing to indicate that…"

"Nothing," John agreed hurriedly, "absolutely no reason for her to think that we would be doing… that or anything else for that matter."

"No," Rodney sounded distracted and focussed at the same time which was pretty cool and no one John knew other then Rodney could do that. "No reason at all."

They stared at each other for a few seconds and then Rodney pulled back and scrambled to his feet and suddenly they were both making excuses about the water and the air and the weather and the heat and the alien spores that are obviously affecting them and that they have to get back to Atlantis right now where there isn't any weather or heat or air or sun or spores and so everything would be fine.

They both took off, practically sprinting, towards the gate when John realised that this was the most awkward he'd ever felt with someone who'd come on to him, and he didn't even get a kiss. Not that he ever thought of Rodney that way of course, after all, he was just helping out a friend…

* * *

After a two hour debriefing in which both he and Rodney worked hard to convince Elizabeth that the sun's rays had obviously reacted with the air to release the alien spores and, long story short, they shouldn't have to go back there again. A medical exam, in which Carson verified that there were no spores, a shower to wash _off_ the spores that their, obviously crazy, CMO couldn't find, a meal and a few hours alone in his quarters and John was thinking over Rodney's words again when he realised that his friend still has the same problem as he had before.

Naturally since it was about 3am the only logical place for Rodney to be was in his lab so John set off to find him, it wasn't like he had anything better to do after all.

And since there was no point in wasting time, Rodney wanted to get back to Katie after all, he grabbed the surprised scientist by the back of the neck spun him round and kissed him in the way that if you ever asked him John would deny ever considering.

For a few seconds Rodney was frozen and then he started reciprocating which meant Rodney had either worked out it was him, was unwilling to look a gift horse in the mouth, so to speak, or was accustomed to be propositioned in labs by strange men. John really wanted to believe it was option number one but then Rodney pulled back suddenly looking shocked as hell and the only thing he could think was 'crap!'.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Rodney's eyes were wide as saucers, "What the hell are you doing!"

John looked confused and said, "I was kissing you, do people usually do other things to you that involve their lips and tongue and your lips and tongue?"

Rodney shot him a look that could freeze fire, "No! I meant _why_!"

John felt even more confused than he undoubtedly did a moment before "Because you told me this afternoon that you thought we should have sex so here I am, helping you out and attempting," he gestured pointedly, "to have the sex! That was the plan wasn't it?"

Rodney looked sheepish and John's gaze narrowed, "what!"

"Well… I never actually thought this far ahead, to be honest I figured you'd agree with me how ridiculous it was, tell her we weren't having sex and then she'd stop asking me about it."

John felt slightly disappointed, which was ridiculous of course. "So you don't want to have the sex?"

"Major I can say that I've never actually thought about having sex with you," John arches an eyebrow. "Ok once, twice, a few times but not after I realised you were straight… Well ok once but-"

"Rodney," John purred, catching and holding Rondey's attention the way he doubted many people could, "I came to find you in the middle of the night, stuck my tongue down your throat and was fully intending to sleep with you, does that sound like a completely straight man to you?"

Rodney's mouth dropped and he looked so shell-shocked that John felt sorry for him even though he did think that Rodney was overplaying the blushing virgin card a tad considering the conversation they'd had this afternoon. After a long moment Rodney still wasn't doing or saying anything so John decided to take matters into his own hands but he knew of only two methods that could make a person recover from that sort of stunned shock and he didn't think Rodney would appreciate a slap…

So he kissed him again, and that seemed to work pretty well. Rodney had started kissing him back again and this time he was pretty sure that he wasn't going to pull away.

Actually, not only was Rodney kissing him back, he was _pushing him back_, against the lab desk until John got the idea and lifted himself up onto the bench managing not to break the kiss and having Rodney pressed up against him, his hands were skimming over his friend's chest, undoing the buttons one by one while his are tangled in Rodney's hair and God Almighty who would have thought that Rodney knew how to do _that_?

They're both so involved with each other that they didn't actually hear the door opening till they heard the shocked scream at which point they both pulled back reaching for weapons that neither of them were wearing.

"Katie," Rodney looked relieved, "thank God it's just you!"

John fought the urge to groan. He may not have been in complete possession of his wits right now but even he knew that 'thank God it's just you!' was not the best thing to say to a women, ever.

Luckily she seemed not to pick up on it. Her eyes were dark and she was almost growling, "I thought I told you to stop having sex with him!"

Rodney's eyes widened, "I did, will do, have done, honestly. See, this is us not having the sex" he adds when she still looked suspicious.

"Actually," John adds, "We haven't actually slept together yet."

She arched a disbelieving eyebrow and John could kinda see her point, his shirt was pretty much undone and though you couldn't really see a difference in _his_ hair Rodney's was sticking up all over the place

"Seriously," Rodney babbled, "we haven't. We were going to because you told me to stop and you didn't believe me when I told you we hadn't so I decided to so I could honestly tell you we'd stopped and things just went from there and then you walked in and…"

John clapped a hand over Rodney's mouth before he got them both killed, 'hey Brown's a botanist,' he thought, 'she's bound to know something about poison right?'

"He's telling the truth actually, except about the part about him deciding to sleep with me, he suggested it to me figuring I'd tell you we weren't and then you'd believe him" he hesitated, "I think I may have broken him when I kissed him by the way" he confided, actually feeling slightly worried, "he hasn't made much sense since then."

She ignored him "So," she started, "let me see if I've got this right, in order to prove to me you weren't sleeping with each other you decided to so you'd be able to tell me you'd stopped"

Rodney stopped trying to talk against his hand and John let his own mouth snap shut, realising that she may have had a point there. "It made more sense when he suggested it," he said instead pointing at Rodney and Brown nodded in understanding.

"I know, it does doesn't it, I mean I actually believed him when he said he was straight, if he can pitch a line like that he can make anyone believe anything.

"Yeah…"

Rodney was trying to babble again, undoubtedly in protest but was having problems as John was refusing to move his hand away from his mouth. Finally, however, Rodney seemed to convince enough brain cells to work together long enough for him to realise that he had two hands and, just like John, was able to use them.

As John's hand was forced away from Rodney's mouth he fought the urge to groan as the astrophysicist began to speak.

"Hang on what do you mean you believed me when I said I was straight, I am completely straight, this is me _proving_ I am completely straight!"

"Rodney," she said speaking slower than usual, " if this is you proving that you're straight I would be extremely intrigued as to how you would prove you were gay," John looked at her and she blushed, seemingly just realising how that sounded, she cleared her throat. "Rodney I just walked into the main lab to see you worshipping the Colonel like he's a ZPM."

John felt vaguely disturbed by that, "You worship ZPMs this way? Hang on, more importantly, you never treated her like she was a ZPM?"

Katie Brown shook her head sadly, "Never, a mark 5 Naquadah Generator at best."

"That's not because he's a man," Rodney exclaimed, clearly anxious to stop the conversation before he got into any more trouble, "it's because he's John."

All three of them froze, each for very different reasons. John was replaying the conversation in his mind and searching his memory to see if there really were alien spores on the planet because there's no way he just heard Rodney say-

"Oh my God, did I say that out loud?" Rodney blurted out looking ready to hyperventilate.

Both John and Katie were staring at him and John could see him coming up with a stupid excuse that he really, _really_ didn't want to hear and so he does the only thing that's been proven to be able to shut Rodney up and kissed him instead.

And the next time they broke for air Katie was gone but neither of them noticed because they were grinding against each other and they were in the main lab at three in the morning and God John had wanted this for _so long_ that it didn't matter that it was over for both of them less than a minute later.

"So," John panted out after a few seconds, "are we still, on the we're-not-having-sex sex or have we passed from that to the we-are-having-sex-so-hooray, sex?"

And Rodney laughed and dropped his head onto John's like the Athosian handshake and John could hear him mumbling under his breath the fastest, easiest, safest way to get both of them back to his quarters. They _were_ closer after all.

And John realised he was wondering why they'd never done this before.

And then he remembered that Rodney never needed to prove that he was 'completely straight' before.

John looked at Rodney who was busy fastening up John's shirt before he moved onto his own and mentally shrugged, he was pretty sure people have hooked up in stranger ways before them. But at that point, quite frankly...

He didn't really care.

**Fin**

AN – Weird I know, supposed to be funny.


End file.
